My letter to the Baltimore Sun appeared in the Letters column this morning. (July 5, 2005)
The bit I replied to appeared on June 30. I do mean bit as it was just the last two paragraphs of the article “Laws on parkland, bullying go into effect: Sale of state forests harder; schools to track harassment” by Tom Stuckey

Here’s what I was reacting to:

The anti-bullying law requires schools to maintain records on harassment and intimidation of students by other students on grounds such as race, religion, gender and sexual orientation.

Some conservative lobbying groups opposed the bill, arguing that it would result in schools telling students that it is OK to be a homosexual.

You have to scroll down on the page to see my letter (I’ll include it here)

Schools must quash all forms of bullying
It’s great news that Maryland laws on school bullying went into effect Friday (“Laws on parkland, bullying go into effect,” June 30).
But it’s unfortunate that Maryland’s law seems to be concerned, according to The Sun, only if the “harassment and intimidation of students by other students” is “on grounds such as race, religion, gender and sexual orientation.”
What if your ears stick out, or you’re too tall, or your mother left you in a basket at the church? Are those acceptable reasons for bullying?
Bullying must not be considered a normal plight of childhood – or any other part of life.
Kerch McConlogue
Baltimore

I wonder why they left off my final line: I hope the schools will pay attention not only to the victims but also to the bullies who surrounds themselves with others who encourage his (or her) aggressive behavior. It’s not a good life model.

Maryland laws on school bullying go into effect on July 1 as reported in the Baltimore Sun today.
Bullying must not be considered a normal plight of childhood … or any other part of life. It’s unfortunate that Maryland’s law seems to only be concerned if the “harassment and intimidation of students by other students on grounds such as race, religion, gender and sexual orientation.” It should not be acceptable under any conditions.

Parents rightly worry about children being bullied. And I’d guess that most often, it has nothing to do with those standard grounds. It’s just about some kid who thinks he has more power than other kids and feels compelled to prove it … daily. We search for ways to arm our harassed children with anything that might get them past the bullies in their lives. We really know that “Just ignore it” doesn’t work. “Make jokes,” “Tell a grown up,” or “Keep away from them” doesn’t work either.

Our children believe, and perhaps rightly so, that if the parents try to do anything it would be more ammunition for the bully’s attacks, which really are only about being more powerful than the humiliated kid. And by the very fact that he told, he proved that he is a dweeb who can’t manage his own problems. It’s interesting that we somehow make it the fault of the kid being bullied instead of an issue for the bully.

Psychiatrist Carol Watkins has an excellent series of articles on bullying on the website of the Northern County Psychiatric Associates. She suggests, in part, “teach [your child] to avoid being an easy target. Start with posture, voice and eye contact. These can communicate a lot about whether you are vulnerable.” Those things can work for adults who find themselves being bullied at work.

But consider also the problem of the bully.

Watkins also says that the bully is “more likely to surround himself with friends who condone and promote aggressive behavior. He may not develop a mature sense of justice.”

It seems to me that this very behavior is the one which the fraternities use in hazing rights and the military uses to “train” soldiers to follow orders. That all just seems pretty warped to me.

Here’s a coaching question for this issue:

If you are being bullied, what would it look like if that stopped? How would you know you had won?

Have you seen the Bounty paper towel ads?
The Chicago Tribune ran a story about them today. On TV you really don’t get the full effect. But on line, they are a stitch!

“One of the insights we had was, `[A man] doesn’t have to be perfect; he just has to try,’ ” said Biondi [Brawny’s director of marketing, who lead the research campaign to determine what women want]. In one of the videos, the Brawny man tries to serenade you on the guitar but — adorably — forgets the words.”

Why do I care?

But past that they point out to me that a sensitive new age guy really just has to ask a couple questions and then listen. He doesn’t have to fix things. Although, sure when something is actually broken, it would be nice. But lots of times what I’m thinking has nothing to do with anything being broken.

Men and women are happiest with people who help.. not just judge us wrong and then attempt to fix something.

That is the beauty of coaching. A coach will ask you some questions and wait for the answers. And maybe wait longer for different answers.

That’s really what I want. Someone who helps me figure stuff out for myself. But he, or she, can’t do it if he doesn’t just listen first.

“When the competitive urge gets so great, it is difficult to embrace a code of ethics… The moral dilemmas begin to seem as a barrier – rather than a guide – to effective lawyering.”
Charles Ogletree in I’Ve Known Rivers: Lives of Loss and Liberation by Sara Lawrence Lightfoot

Competition holds an important place in our culture. Kids are encouraged to participate on sports teams for the athletics of it, for the comradery of it, and for the experience of winning and losing.

When the third of those reasons takes first place, it seems we forget that the other two even exist.

Win-at-any cost fosters bullying among children who grow to be bullying bosses, spouses and, dare I use the word, friends. It doesn’t just affect lawyering but also any other pursuit.

Know at the core what is important to you. For me, it’s respect. Competition and respect are not mutually exclusive. But they do support the joy of athletics and comradery.